Being a mother has been one of the most beautiful gifts, the most rewarding gift actually I have ever received.
Although my children range in ages 4-9, I am still to this day learning to be a “good” mom. The type of mom that everyone looks up to. The type of mom that I always hoped to be… But sadly, I am not.
Growing up I had both mom and dad. I saw them at their best and I also saw them at their worse. I saw when the love was slowly dying. With that came a bit of change in my mom. My mom was a tough lady. I knew she loved me, although she hardly told me until I was a mother myself. She played with us (my sister and I) and did everything possible to give us what they could. But I also remember how cold she could be at times… again, I knew she loved us.
The tough part for me now is watching me slowly turn into her.
I work long hours, have a long commute, so I don’t get to spend as much time w/ my kids as I would like to. When I do get home, I am happy to see them but then something changes in me. Although it’s difficult to admit, it upsets me when they talk to me when I just want 5 minutes to myself.
So yesterday while scrolling through FB, I came across an article about how adults should reconsider how they talk to children. Although the video was about how kids deal with adult behaviors at school, it affected me. It wasn’t just the fact that I wondered if my own children are going through that at school… It was because I saw me acting like that towards them.
While they were drinking their chocolate milk last night, I mentioned the video to them and asked them to watch it with me. I told them to be honest at the end and tell me what they understood from it.
I also told them that I love them even though I don’t always show it and I hope they know I do.
- My 4 year old responded with… “it’s sad how the people are not really nice in the first part but then they are.”
- My 7 year old responded with… “It’s ok mom, we know you are tired… I love you mommy.”
- My 9 year old (which is the one that I tend to clash with the most) laughed. So I asked if he paid attention to the video and he said “yes but you are still always mad at me.”
I didn’t know how to take that because he was right. So again I told them that I love them and that I don’t want them to think that I don’t.
Am I ashamed of myself? Absolutely! I am not that “fierce” after all. I feel like the worst mom in the world. But the fact that I am able to write about this and admit that I am not that great mom is a big step for me. Somewhere out there, someone probably feels the same as I do.
Some of us don’t know how to deal w/ our daily situations and tend to take out our emotions with the ones we love the most.
I don’t want them to grow up hating me… I know there’s a lot that I need to change in me.
Hope you have a minute to watch the video… My entire blog might make a little bit more sense after.
It has been said, “time heals all wounds.” I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, cover them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.